Food

When that person you thought you could die for ups and leaves you, and now you really feel like dying but would prefer to stick it out just to show her up, there is really nothing you can do but move on. You can’t stay down on the ground forever.

One way to get back on your feet is to treat yourself right, perhaps even lavishly. Try eating out at fancier, more extravagant restaurants. Order an appetizer AND a soup. Then a huge kobe steak dish, or deep-fried catfish, or chicken cordon blue, or exotic, near-extinct seabass. Then don’t be afraid to indulge in dessert. Two even. Let yourself savor the tastes and flavors that this wonderful planet of ours has to offer. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself right, gastronomically speaking.

Eating well, and in large amounts, will give you an appreciation for the simple enjoyments that life has to offer. You’ll lose yourself, and any memory of her and your former need to be lean and svelte, in deep-fried heaven. Plus, when you’re 375 pounds you won’t have to worry about another vixen coming along and breaking your heart all over again. They’ll take one look at your behemoth belly and bountiful man-boobs and keep strutting along to the next chump.

Faith

Losing the love of your life can be a heart-wrenching experience, filled with excruciating pain. You may question how something so tragic and horrible can happen to a good person such as yourself. You didn’t cheat. You weren’t in it for the money. You never yelled at your partner in a public restaurant, or told their friends all their embarrassing secrets — yet they left you, breaking all their promises to you, ruining your dreams, and leaving you desperate and lonely, feeling like life is just a series of disappointments.

Why? What kind of God could be so unjust? What sort of religion would leave you so unsatisfied?

In this time of serious doubt and questioning, you may want to try a new faith. Buddhism? Perhaps Wiccan? Santaria? There are many spells and things you can do with voodoo dolls that could deliver the reckoning they deserve. Stick a pin in their heart.

There’s nothing like a good hex to bring you some spiritual satisfaction.

Travel

When your heart is broken everything reminds you of her. The Chinese restaurant where the two of you used to laugh after adding “in bed” to the end of every fortune. The park where you sat on the bench brushing her bangs out of her eyes. The bar you stumbled out of and the lamp-post you leaned against sharing your first kiss.

It helps to travel.

Get on the road and drive until the scenery is completely new and not drenched with memories. Hundred of miles out in the desert is the perfect place to look up at a bed of stars and listen to the silence and forget about all that stuff you shared with her. You’ll start to mend in no time amid all that desolate beauty. It’s isolated and quiet, and nobody would notice what you’re doing with that shovel.

Hobbies

After you break up with the woman of your dreams and your heart is destroyed you often feel incomplete and less worthy of being loved. It is important in these instances to keep moving forward and to pick up new pursuits, perhaps new hobbies, things to distract you from that vacant hole your chest.

One helpful hobby I discovered was to take old pictures of my ex and cut off the head. I would then glue her head to pictures of hideous bodies — Kirstie Alley came in handy here — so that her image was grossly disfigured.

It helped keep my mind off of how much I missed her, at least.

Skydive

When you’re messed up in the head and all you can think of is how much you miss her, it’s good to do something fresh. Do something crazy. Something you’ve always wanted to do but never got around to it.

Like skydive. When you’re up in that airplane, with the door open and the wind rushing by, and you’re staring at the ground 10,000 feet below you, and the houses and the people and everything looks so tiny and insignificant — think to yourself, I am in control of my destiny, I am a survivor. I can do anything.

Then just before you step through the threshold to make that leap, rip the parachute off her back and push her out.

Don’t bother with jumping. When the plane lands, disembark and move on.

Fishing

Go fishing.

When you’re out in the middle of the lake, take out some bait. Try using something sentimental, something that used to be hers, like a piece of a tee-shirt, or her pinkie. Attach that to the end of the hook and when the fish grab it and it disappears into their stomachs, say, with real deadpan emotion, ‘now she’s gone.”

Don’t bother with the fish. Return to shore and move on.